Fake it till you make it...
I've been sitting on this post for a while, but after talking to a friend about how I'm really doing I decided it was too important not to share.
That saying, fake it till you make it...how many of you have said that before? I know I have a time or two. If you're grieving please don't fake it till you make it. You will become miserable and skip the whole grieving process altogether in my opinion. I'm there right this second. I thought when I finally came out of hiding that I should show people I have it together and that meant smiling, laughing and not talking about Jack. The thing is I want to talk about Jack - he is the best thing to ever happen to us. Why is it though that I felt that I needed/need to hide my sadness. To no ones fault, it felt (and sometimes still feels) like people think because I'm smiling and laughing that I'm okay. The truth is I'm not really, but I was (and still am) trying to be strong so I don't make people uncomfortable. No I'm not crying 24/7 and yes I do smile and laugh (thank goodness), but truly not an hour goes by that I don't think of Jack. I miss the way he smelled, the way he cuddled on us, and his long eyelashes. It all comes flooding back in an instant and it's hard not to get upset. By the end of the day I'm exhausted because I've been, for a lack of better words, "playing a part". Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not a fake person and I truly mean it when I ask how you are doing. My point is I'm not the same person anymore and I'm still hurting. I've come to the realization that I have to allow myself to grieve in order to heal otherwise true upheaval will happen. Let me be pretty frank, I'm not to the healing process just yet.
Grief is so hard and it's everlasting. When Jack was born with Lissencephaly and then passed away only after being with us for a little over two months, we lost all of our hopes, dreams and expectations. When the shock wore off (and it's truly still there sometimes) I was brutally reminded that when we lost Jack we also lost his future...our future. Pretty terrifying to think about huh? Never in a million years did I imagine we would be in this situation, but we are. Here we are...two walking elephants in every room.
I recently read that the average length of time it takes for parents to go through the grieving process averages around five years. FIVE YEARS. I now understand that it's because people tend to push away their grief in order to be strong and seek the understanding of others. While the outside world expects people to begin healing pretty quickly, the grieving process has really just begun. What I hope people will understand is that losing a child is probably the most devastating thing someone can experience. Things will get much worse before they get better.
This brings me to my next point -- grieving with a friend who has lost. I've noticed that because people don't know what to say sometimes they say nothing at all. That truly stings. I'll be the first one to admit that I've done that to people. I thought that by not bringing up the loss that I was helping. I'm here to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't ask more about your loved one. I'm sorry I didn't cry with you when you probably needed someone to cry with. I'm sorry I didn't validate your feelings. I'm sorry I tried to put a time limit on your grief. I'm here to say I will be that for you moving forward, a "safe friend" of sorts. The truth is there is no appropriate timeframe to grieve. This isn't a time to slap a bandaid on and move forward. I know that now. By people not talking about Jack as much, I feel so alone sometimes. We ask for patience, grace, understanding and affirmation. It's truly the only way we will get through our grief and begin to heal.
By the grace of God we continue to wake up each morning and make it through the day. I praise Him for that.
That saying, fake it till you make it...how many of you have said that before? I know I have a time or two. If you're grieving please don't fake it till you make it. You will become miserable and skip the whole grieving process altogether in my opinion. I'm there right this second. I thought when I finally came out of hiding that I should show people I have it together and that meant smiling, laughing and not talking about Jack. The thing is I want to talk about Jack - he is the best thing to ever happen to us. Why is it though that I felt that I needed/need to hide my sadness. To no ones fault, it felt (and sometimes still feels) like people think because I'm smiling and laughing that I'm okay. The truth is I'm not really, but I was (and still am) trying to be strong so I don't make people uncomfortable. No I'm not crying 24/7 and yes I do smile and laugh (thank goodness), but truly not an hour goes by that I don't think of Jack. I miss the way he smelled, the way he cuddled on us, and his long eyelashes. It all comes flooding back in an instant and it's hard not to get upset. By the end of the day I'm exhausted because I've been, for a lack of better words, "playing a part". Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not a fake person and I truly mean it when I ask how you are doing. My point is I'm not the same person anymore and I'm still hurting. I've come to the realization that I have to allow myself to grieve in order to heal otherwise true upheaval will happen. Let me be pretty frank, I'm not to the healing process just yet.
Grief is so hard and it's everlasting. When Jack was born with Lissencephaly and then passed away only after being with us for a little over two months, we lost all of our hopes, dreams and expectations. When the shock wore off (and it's truly still there sometimes) I was brutally reminded that when we lost Jack we also lost his future...our future. Pretty terrifying to think about huh? Never in a million years did I imagine we would be in this situation, but we are. Here we are...two walking elephants in every room.
I recently read that the average length of time it takes for parents to go through the grieving process averages around five years. FIVE YEARS. I now understand that it's because people tend to push away their grief in order to be strong and seek the understanding of others. While the outside world expects people to begin healing pretty quickly, the grieving process has really just begun. What I hope people will understand is that losing a child is probably the most devastating thing someone can experience. Things will get much worse before they get better.
This brings me to my next point -- grieving with a friend who has lost. I've noticed that because people don't know what to say sometimes they say nothing at all. That truly stings. I'll be the first one to admit that I've done that to people. I thought that by not bringing up the loss that I was helping. I'm here to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't ask more about your loved one. I'm sorry I didn't cry with you when you probably needed someone to cry with. I'm sorry I didn't validate your feelings. I'm sorry I tried to put a time limit on your grief. I'm here to say I will be that for you moving forward, a "safe friend" of sorts. The truth is there is no appropriate timeframe to grieve. This isn't a time to slap a bandaid on and move forward. I know that now. By people not talking about Jack as much, I feel so alone sometimes. We ask for patience, grace, understanding and affirmation. It's truly the only way we will get through our grief and begin to heal.
By the grace of God we continue to wake up each morning and make it through the day. I praise Him for that.
I'm so grateful for your posts Paige. Keep writing please.
ReplyDeleteFake it till you make it has been a dear friend of mine and you are right, faking it only prolongs and perhaps deepens the pain. I've often felt like my sadness is my double life. I'm genuinely a happy person who happens to own a very heavy blanket of hurt that I only allow myself to pick up in my alone times. Perhaps it's the fear of burdening others, or the fear that if I cloth myself with the blanket, I'll never be light, never be free of it. I don't even let those close to me see the blanket. It's my shame and weakness. But your post has hit me hard, maybe grief, sadness, hurt... they aren't weakness after all. When I read your words and see your lovely face all I see is incredible strength. Vulnerability has made you so real and so strong.
Thank you. I love you. I love Jack.
Paige, thank you for opening up! You are an inspiration! Your post really touches me as it's so hard to find any words that may bring comfort so I tend to go silent when I am so sad and heartbroken for you or someone with such great loss that does not seem fathomable. I love you! YOU as a mother are something to be celebrated this Mother's Day! Jack still lives on and I have no doubt he feels and knows your love! Hang in there my friend! XOXO
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