Am I Enough?
The last few weeks have been tough and maybe I've been really good at masking it to most of you. Social media has a way of doing that. Unfortunately our grief has been at an all time high. I'm struggling. I question everything. "Am I good enough at work?", "Am I doing this right?", "Am I being a loving wife?", "Am I being a good friend?", "Did I say the right thing?", "Am I good enough to have another baby?". It never fails I lay awake at night asking those questions and so many more. My confidence is lagging and is at its lowest it has ever been. How embarrassing. Waves of grief will hit us out of nowhere. <SMACK> Followed by tears. Oh gosh, all of the tears. I let it happen mostly at home though because tears freak people out. I know I can't live in a bubble forever even though I want to sometimes so I'm open and vulnerable. It's been so hard to accept that life continues on for others while we feel stuck. We never truly will get used to Jack being gone. I hope to one day at least acknowledge I can't change it and accept it. The guilt is hard to overcome. Pain never really goes away, we just become more familiar with each other.
Here comes the hard part that is confusing to some. A good belly laugh is good for the soul and yes humor is good for us. It is needed, but please don't mistake that we are better and okay because we do it. For the most part I'm not, we're not; we're not whole. We're trying, so very hard, we are trying. We're trying to live up to the expectations that people have. We want to be involved, but it comes with time and each day/event is different. Just know we are there for y'all. We're just different now. I zone out way more than I want to admit. I don't mean to and I do care about what is being said, but my thoughts get away from me so easily. Many things are triggers. Grief brain is a real thing. Ugh.
I'm trying so hard as a follower of Christ to know he has us in his hands and will lead us where he wants us. However, it's so hard to know just what his plan is. I plead each night to show us what our journey will look like. Please just show me it will be okay, that we will be okay. I know he answers by giving us the ability to wake up each morning and honor him, but I really wouldn't mind knowing our future. I still ask why, all of the time. The only thing I can come up with is we may never fully know. We just know that we are grateful to be Jack's parents and are better because of him. Our promise is to always honor him and Him. Please say a prayer for us to not give up and to have hope. Hope for our present and hope for our future.
If you are going through any type of grief please know you are not alone. We serve an Almighty God who will never leave our side.
*I have another prayer request for a very dear friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Please pray for her strength and healing. She is so very positive and I truly admire her for that. Please pray for her family and friends to be extra strong for her. Pray for her children whom I'm sure are so scared for their mom. She's a beauty with full of grace. Thank you prayer warriors!
Here comes the hard part that is confusing to some. A good belly laugh is good for the soul and yes humor is good for us. It is needed, but please don't mistake that we are better and okay because we do it. For the most part I'm not, we're not; we're not whole. We're trying, so very hard, we are trying. We're trying to live up to the expectations that people have. We want to be involved, but it comes with time and each day/event is different. Just know we are there for y'all. We're just different now. I zone out way more than I want to admit. I don't mean to and I do care about what is being said, but my thoughts get away from me so easily. Many things are triggers. Grief brain is a real thing. Ugh.
I'm trying so hard as a follower of Christ to know he has us in his hands and will lead us where he wants us. However, it's so hard to know just what his plan is. I plead each night to show us what our journey will look like. Please just show me it will be okay, that we will be okay. I know he answers by giving us the ability to wake up each morning and honor him, but I really wouldn't mind knowing our future. I still ask why, all of the time. The only thing I can come up with is we may never fully know. We just know that we are grateful to be Jack's parents and are better because of him. Our promise is to always honor him and Him. Please say a prayer for us to not give up and to have hope. Hope for our present and hope for our future.
If you are going through any type of grief please know you are not alone. We serve an Almighty God who will never leave our side.
*I have another prayer request for a very dear friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Please pray for her strength and healing. She is so very positive and I truly admire her for that. Please pray for her family and friends to be extra strong for her. Pray for her children whom I'm sure are so scared for their mom. She's a beauty with full of grace. Thank you prayer warriors!
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